The White House today announced a new and novel way for President Bush to deal with his critics: Greco-Roman wrestling. Rather than mutely retire to Camp David when dealing with outspoken social criticism from actors, musicians, writers, poets, and politicians, Mr. Bush will now invite each of them to participate in a series of publicly televised Greco-Roman one-on-one wrestling matches to decide "who is the better person", the President's aides said. They continued by saying that the matches will comply with NCAA division I Greco-Roman wrestling rules, but, allowances will be made for weight differences. "Obviously, the rules for wrestling a big porker like Michael Moore are going to be different than trying to wrestle a little wisp of a girl like Winona Ryder" said key Presidential political advisor Karl Rove. The President's press secretary went on to note that most matches between the President and members of his weight class would likely go to three pins or a submission.
"Bring them on!" a very fit, oily, and shirtless President Bush said immediately following the press conference to announce the political wrestling challenge. "We need the fill the bar higher for politicized debate in this country" President Bush continued. "I was just talking to one of my key generals the other day... you know, the bald fat one. I was telling him about how my fraternity brothers and myself used to wrestle during the my college days. He bet me that I couldn't pin him right then and there. I kicked his ass and then had a kegger in the rose garden for old time's sake!"
The President's move was greeted warmly by older Congressional Republicans and political strategists, but received mixed reviews especially from younger politicos of both parties. "Greco-Roman wrestling? Is he kidding?" commented one Democratic Congressional Aide, speaking on condition of anonymity.
"Yeah," a fellow Republican aide added, "why couldn't he just do a WWE cage match like any normal person would? I mean, just call up Vince McMahon, and schedule the President immediately following a lingerie match between Terri and Ivory but before that grudge match between Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Rock at the next WrestleMania. Or have a series of them on WWE RAW."
In response to this criticism, White House officials said that they had considered using WWE as a forum for the matches, but, senior advisors to the President felt that the WWE venue would not lend the "dignity" that Greco-Roman wrestling provides. "After all," Attorney General John Ashcroft said, "we wouldn't want to cheapen the level of political debate and discussion going on around the country, would we?"
on 2003-04-01 at 1:42 p.m.
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