I don't think Fiancee S. often notices how she has changed me. Don't get me wrong, it's not been a "night" and "day" sort of a thing. It's just that being with Fiancee S. brings out certain qualities in me that I think had been dormant for a while before I met her... or at least below my threshold of self-perception.
As I have no doubt mentioned, Fiancee S. and I met through an online personals service. There's a line from the personal ad I used that sums up what I am talking about:
I'd like to be remembered as part Thelonius Monk, part Billy Idol, and a lot of Jimmy Stewart.
Fiancee S. reminded me of this line recently because she scrapbooks, and is in the process of putting together our "engagement album". The line embarasses me a little bit because I think it was a bit of a put on.
Some of it I think still rings true. I still see myself as very much in the Jimmy Stewart mold... not the GQ model, but the man next door, the everyman... minus all of Stewart's predilections for Republican politcs of course. I'll also stand by Thelonius Monk, because part of me does want to be the inscrutable, uncompromising creative type.
It's the Billy Idol part that gets me in trouble. Two years ago, I was still very much in love with the idea of getting in touch with my inner bad boy. Thing is, being with Fiancee S. has reminded me that I don't really have much of an inner bad boy. It's not where the center of who I am is located. Yet, I emerged from a Ph.D. program where I felt stifled thinking that I just needed to recklessly bust loose.
Being with Fiancee S. has brought me back to that center. Life with her brings me home in an emotional and spiritual sense. As Tom Hanks says about his character's first wife in the film Sleepless In Seattle "I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known." Well, for Fiancee S. and me, it took a little longer than the first touch, but, being with her has brought me home and that has changed me.... hopefully for the better.
on 2004-04-08 at 4:07 p.m.
The Wayback Machine - To Infinity And Beyond