Scientists at the Converse Institute for Advance Study today stunned the scientific community by announcing confirmation of the Goldfarb-Minsky Conjecture in an article to appear in the journal Nurture. Speaking on behalf of Dr. Fyodor Lem and Dr. Charles Taylor, Institute press spokesman Paul Childs clearly summed up the significance of the discovery:
Now, we can now say for the first time that the phrase "smells like sweaty feet" represents the most fundamentally effective way to criticize bad food.
The conjecture, first posed at an after-hours post-cooking lesson party in James Beard's kitchen in 1967, had long been suspected to be valid by scientists around the world. Proving it turned out to be problematic, however. "The scientific tools we available at that time were just not up to the task," remembered Dr. Georges Pied, a long time friend and colleague of Dr. Lem. "And we couldn't even get a legitimate food critic to mention it in a column for years. How are we supposed to get funding and do experiments without public awareness?"
Fortunately, the spread of the Internet changed all that. Not only did the Internet prove to be an excellent tool for raising public awareness, it also turned out to be useful in developing the solution. Drs. Lem and Taylor commissioned the creation of the winFeet32 computer worm, a computer virus that infected millions of Microsoft Windows-based hosts last summer. The virus forced computer users to answer a survey about the imagery used to describe bad food. The data obtained from the surveys was then combined with recent advances in the bio-mechanics of smell and taste to determine that smelly feet is the most descriptive term for bad food available to food critics today.
Dr. Lem and Dr. Taylor also announced proof of the Perspiration Corollary to the Goldfarb-Minsky Conjecture, as well. It was suspected that removal of the word "sweaty" from the Goldfarb-Minsky Conjecture would result in a statement between 25% and 75% as offensive. Lem and Taylor announced that the resulting statement is actually 67.83% as offensive.
on 2004-10-08 at 2:21 p.m.
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