Welcome believers, to my new religion! In spite of any names I might formerly possess, you may now call me Swami Rama-bindu-vedanta-kabbulah-bob (or just Bob for short.) As a part of your welcome orientation to the Spiritual Center of the White Lotus (Burbank, Paris, London), I would just like to review a few of the basic precepts of the White Lotus Faith that I teach to all who will listen:
- For those whom much has been given, much is required. Being famous is hard, and very taxing on the soul. A Spiritual Center is required to help you find a center of the spirit. You need quiet. You need peace. You need 600 thread count sheets. You need custom tailored silk armani pajamas and calorie controlled, gourmet meals prepared in cooperation with your dietician. We will even groom your pets. We know you need these things and are ready to provide. Just ask any of the disciples on the grounds. You'll know them by their black Armani pajamas with the White Lotus logo.
- There are many onramps to the Interstate of Enlightenment. The first step on the path of Enlightenment is unimportant, except that it is followed by another and another. This is because all streams eventually join a mighty river. You want yoga classes, we have them. You want to lay on a bed of freshly imported rose petals and be covered in colored crystals to feel their healing energy, we can do that too. If you want to wear all kinds of mood rings or have your spiritual purity measured by odd-looking electronic devices, we can even do that. You can drink spiritually-infused $10 bottled water if you want to. Don't worry. You're part of a community here. The traditions of others may seem odd at first, but they are merely leaves on the same mighty tree. You will eventually become one with the root of all.
- Blessed silence must reign. Silence is emphasized in all non-classroom public spaces at the Spiritual Center of the White Lotus. Meals will be taken in silence; menus are located in each guest room and may be relayed to the kitchen by the in-house intercom system. Conversation is permitted in all guest rooms. Use of cell and satellite phones is discouraged -- though our staff will be glad to answer them for you and take messages.
- Enlightenment rules all, but Joy is her Handmaiden. Low key social gatherings on the grounds are permitted and encouraged. Guests may check in alone, or with partners. Walls are heavily soundproofed. If you arrive at the Spiritual Center of the White Lotus alone, carefully administered compatibility tests can allow us to place you in a group of others with similar attitudes, preferences, and sexual pecadillos.
- By these stripes, we will all be healed. Believers of the teachings of the Spiritual Center of the White Lotus are encouraged to quietly show their solidarity by carrying a token bearing the White Lotus emblem wherever they go. We have a line of lovely silk and cashmere scarves that we think look absolutely smashing with most every look. Other designer accessories are available however. A licensed tattoo artist is available on premises if a more permanent symbol is desired.
- There is no greater gift than giving itself. We have a number of high priced luxury items (illustrated scriptures, for example) available for sale. The net proceeds of these purchases will be used to feed poor unfortunates in other parts of the world who are faced with hardship and disaster. A portion of the price of these items will be kept by the Spiritual Center of the White Lotus to cover costs. You will feel better and more spiritually at peace knowing that $25 of the $200 you gave us for a scroll will be used to feed a family of six in a poorer part of world... like Cleveland.
on 2005-02-11 at 5:35 p.m.
The Wayback Machine - To Infinity And Beyond