Dear President George W. Bush,
I'm Luther Jenkins. Hi. You may not know me personally, but your wife Laura's college roomate Patsy is my Aunt. I'm currently living in Itta Bena, Mississippi where I'm a night shift assistant manager at the local Piggly Wiggly.
After reading recently about how Michael Brown became director of FEMA and Harriet Meiers is now your nominee for the Supreme Court, I'm wondering if you could throw a little patronage my way. I always was my Aunt Patsy's favorite nephew... just ask Mrs. Bush. I was the kid with the two missing front teeth in the black and yellow little league uniform that she used to keep in her dorm room. Mrs. Bush even sent me a Christmas card one year (though I think that some Christmas card envelopes for Laura and Aunt Patsy got mixed up.)
Mr. President, I could use a better job. Night shift manager at the Piggly Wiggly isn't panning out with the kind of stellar prospects as I had hoped. I just end up helping load and unload a lot of inventory... and there's little chance that I'll make day manager anytime during the next three years. I figure that Walmart will open a Supercenter in town by then, and then it's goodbye Piggly Wiggly and goodbye job. Plus, I honestly feel that my true strengths are being grossly underused by my current employer. I'm a real idea man and I think that I can truly shine somewhere further up the management chain.
I'll leave it up to you to figure out what kind of work would best suit me. I used to love mowing grass in the summer during high school. Perhaps something with the Department of the Interior? Or how about something with the Bureau of Indian Affairs? I'm an avid Washington Redskins fan. I don't think I would feel comfortable in a position at the cabinet level... though I hear that you haven't nominated a permanent Secretary of Housing and Urban Development in the five years since you were first elected.
Maybe an undersecretary... or regional director's position is open. Either sort of situation sounds wonderful. In a pinch, I could become a "contractor" at some sort of terrorist detention center -- I used to be a guard at a women's prison in Indianola, before I got fired for "too much vigorous use of my 'night stick' while on duty." That was all a misunderstanding though. What do you expect when I was stuck indoors with all those needy, confined women all day?
I know that your philosophy is that personal loyalty (and not hard work) is the cornerstone to success in life. I've adopted this as my mantra as well and often use you as a shining example of how far a person can come with just their family name and personal connections. I would be forever grateful for whatever sort of position you could line up for me.
on 2005-10-04 at 12:52 p.m.
The Wayback Machine - To Infinity And Beyond