I don't know if you'd heard the news yet, but Tom Cruise is planning on nursing the TomKat love child, with his own milk. If you told me a year ago that "male lactation" is possible, I would likely laugh in your face. Thanks to Mr. Nice Guy and the ever-wonderful Wikipedia, I now know otherwise; men can produce breast milk in periods of high stress, or when their nipples are stimulated for months.
So, figuring that I need to come up with a new money-making homeopathic bit of quackery for the New Year, I hit upon the following idea in the tradition of "Mr. Coffee" and "Mr. Microphone":
Men! Are you envious of the quiet bonding that your young child enjoys with your wife as they quietly nurse together? Do you secretly wish that you too could enjoy the intimacy of breastfeeding your child like your wife? Do you want to relieve your wife of the burden of being the sole source of your child's breast milk? Well, fret no more!
Dr. Geek Enterprises, Inc. is happy to anounce a miracle of modern science: Mr. Milkman. Thanks to the miracle of micro-ionic stimulation, Mr. Milkman allows men to be able to produce breast milk when their children are born! Just wear the discrete Mr. Milkman upper torso harness starting in the childs first tri-mester of pregnancy and you'll be a milk producing machine!
How does it work? Mr. Milkman repeatly stimulates the nipples, using a combination of micro-ionic bombardment and gentle suction. Over a period of months, this treatment will cause the mammary glands that all men have (yes, even YOU!) to begin to produce milk. This volume will gradually increase, eventually creating a volume of milk sufficient to nurse your child.
Forget messy bottles! Forget artificial infant formula! Now you too can provide life-giving milk for you child! Be happy! Be healthy! Feed your child the way nature intended! Buy a Mr. Milkman today!!!
on 2006-01-06 at 9:24 p.m.
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