You go girl! We finally decided to break up with Ol' Stupid Head Kevin. I don't know how we ever stayed with him as long as we did. He has the most foul mouthed little navel... I could barely stand getting near it whenever we had sex together. What ever possessed us to get together with him? I'll bet it was our left breast, whispering all sorts of bad advice into your ear -- I know that sounds bitchy, but the left breast and I haven't been on good speaking terms for nearly a year now. In any case, good riddance! We're free!
I heard that Ol' Stupid Head has copies of our honeymoon sex tapes that he's willing to sell just to line his pockets. How did we let this happen? Were'nt those tapes supposed to be locked up in a safe somewhere? I know, it's the left breast talking again. She probably said "Oh let him take them on the road, while he's lonely on his concert tour." I'll bet Ol' Stupid Head was showing those tapes to his posse in his hotel room... when there wasn't some tramp there to distract him.
What I say next has got to fall into the category of "tough love": don't let Ol' Stupid Head get the better of you with those sex tapes. I know that there are going to be a ton of people around you who say "But that tape will kill your career!!!" Did a sex tape hurt Pamela Anderson? Did a sex tape hurt Paris Hilton? Did that smutty book and banned music video hurt Madonna? Did those messages on Eminem's machine hurt Mariah Carey? I think not.
No, the only reason that people might be worried is because they cling to a false idea of the Britney mystique. They want to remember the adolescent Britney in the "Hit Me Baby (One More Time)" video. Or they want to remember the virginal Britney who went out with Justin Timberlake. Let's face facts; those days are past. We're mother with two small children who had her own reality series in which she discussed her favorite sexual position with her entourage. Plus, with all the clothes we've worn, there's not much skin that the public hasn't seen at this point. The only thing you have to worry about is if the public will think that sex with us is boring... and our concerts are all about the simulated sex (*sigh* not the singing). The Britney mystique has to change.
Let Ol' Stupid Head go. What's he going to do once he releases that sex tape? You can sue him for the proceeds, since it could materially damage your image, and is community property. After that, he's only got a career in porn... maybe... and he'll never get a judge to let him have custody once that happens.
Let him rot.
So cheer up! We're on the mend now! It's new day coming!
on 2006-11-15 at 10:53 a.m.
The Wayback Machine - To Infinity And Beyond