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Riffed by Dr. Geek
from an idea by Vitriol
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| 12 Steps to recover from SUV ownership |
A real truck is a vehicle that be cleaned with a hose... on the inside and the outside. -- Jeff McNelly "Shoe"
12 Steps to recovery from Sports Utility Vehicle ownership
- We are powerless, and having a vehicle that rides two feet off the roadway and gets twelve miles to the gallon on the highway will not change that.
- A higher power can restore us, just as we rebuilt the top of the garage door when we mismeasured the height of our SUV by 10 inches and plowed into it.
- We need to turn our lives over to a higher power, just as we had to temporarily turn the keys over to the financing company last year. Who could ever think that the payments on an SUV could be bigger than mortgage payments?
- We must make a moral inventory, instead of an inventory of the luxury features of our *cough* *cough* offroad vehicle. Leather upholstery, 8 channel stereo, mahogany inlays, plush captain's chairs... oh, I'm sorry... what was I saying?
- We must admit to a higher power and confess the exact nature of our wrongs. We don't just mean admitting that we never even remotely intended to take our SUV off road when we bought it.
- We are ready to have a higher power remove our defects... by placing a "for sale" ad for our SUV in the classifieds sections of several local papers at a reasonable price.
- We must humbly ask a higher power to remove our shortcomings. This ultimately means overcoming our fear of selling the SUV. Let's face it: jumping around on the porch roof screaming "Thief! Bagginsessssss! Comes to steal the Precioussssss!!!!" when perspective buyers respond to the classified ad gets SO old, SO fast.
- Make a list of all we have harmed. This list should include that accident we had at the intersection of Fifth and Main last week. You know, the one where we suddenly stopped and took out the hood and windshield of a Mini Cooper with college kids in it. It is not their fault that they have a car with a normal amount of ground clearance and slid under the bumper of our SUV.
- We must make direct amends whenever possible... even when it might mean that our insurance premiums might go up. But then again, since we won't be driving a monstrous gas guzzler to distract others from our insecurities, we might not inadvertently hit as many fenders and our insurance rates might go down.
- We must take a personal inventory and figure out the list of stuff we now can store in the garage since the SUV won't hog ALL the space.
- Seek guidance from a higher power through prayer and visit a few car lots in time for the "end of year clearance sales". It's a great time to buy a new car. Really. Rates are low and dealers are looking to reduce inventory.
- Carry this message to others... in a stylish car like the Diamler Chrysler PT Cruiser... that still can get a respectable 27 miles per gallon highway. We think the Inferno Red Tinted Pearl Coat with the orange-to-red flame accents and extra chrome package looks really bitchin'.
said drgeek
on 2003-07-22 at 11:09 a.m.
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The Wayback Machine - To Infinity And Beyond
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those first two estates - 2009-02-04 12:58 p.m.
nativity - 2009-02-03 9:28 p.m.
I am with Brahman - 2009-01-28 9:43 p.m.
angry - 2009-01-25 2:58 p.m.
i am - 2009-01-23 8:33 p.m.
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