Lead singer of heavy metal band apologies to fans: "I was too happy"
The lead singer of the popular neo-Metal band Screwhead held a press conference yesterday to apologize to fans for the less than miserably angst-ridden nature of the lyrics on their last album Nu Corpse Killaz. "On behalf of myself, and the rest of Screwhead, I want to apologize to our fans" singer Roach said. "The lyrics of I wrote for our last album were too upbeat. I broke the cardinal rule we have about what to put an album: one song where [bassist] Johnny Cock growls like he's having trouble taking a dump, and about half a dozen other songs that make it seem like I sleep in a room full of dead corpses and live maggots every night."
"I just had too good of a year," the singer offered, by way of explanation. "For the first time in a long time, I was happy. After a dramatic intervention by my family, I went into rehab and started seeing a psychiatrist. He put me on Prozac, and helped me to deal with a lot of issues around why I did not feel loved by my mother growing up. Then I started dating an actress/underwear model. We were spotted together on the red carpet at an awards show where she was wearing a dress that was nothing but a sheer black body stocking and butt floss. Things seemed to be going so well."
"Things went bad pretty quickly after that" the singer then reflected. "I wrote Killaz and we recorded it. Unlike all the usual f-cking around we usually do in the studio, this was all business. We got it done in about two months. The suits all loved it; no furniture to replace, no late night calls for bail, and a brand new album. It all looked so good... until it came out and we started touring. Fans were acting like we'd put a big f-cking yellow smiley face on the front. They didn't buy the record. They hated the lyrics. They really started to chap my ass about it. To all of them, I have to say 'I'm sorry.'"
When looking to the future, Roach was decidedly optimistic. "I haven't figured out quite what to do with all my happy feelings, yet... but I'm sure something will come up. Therapy may uncover repressed memories about being fondled by a sweaty salesman from up the street as a child. I may start taking heroin again. My girlfriend and I may break up. I'll get more tats and piercings. I'm sure fans can expect me to return to a downward spiral of angst and depression. Everyone will be happy, except of course, me."
on 2005-02-03 at 5:59 a.m.
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