Mrs. Geek asked me how I am doing the other night. She was worried that everyone had been concerned about her health and state of mind after recent events, but that no had been thinking much about me. The question didn't concern me much at the time, but given how emotionally frazzled I feel today, I'm thinking that I need to take stock.
I'm tired. I don't think I've gotten a restful, rejuvenating night's sleep in over two weeks. I've been going to bed a little late, and usually waking up at least an hour early probably 10 days out of the last 14. My thoughts during those waking hours tended to be fixated on either problems (the bathroom fan) or situations (Presidential politics) to a point not too far short of obsession. I lack a sense of proportion or a feeling of equilibrium.
In my darker moments, I feel a certain sense of alienation, and a need to escape every day reality. I want to bring some kind of order to my life, an order that seems to be lacking. I also feel out of contact with others on some level and somewhat alone. I feel that my perceptions of reality are out of sync with the perceptions of others, to varying degrees.
I want some kind of catharsis. I would run for miles and miles, until my legs gave out, if I could. Part of my self feels enclosed in a small, claustrophobic space and that space is uncomfortable but safe. Outside, demons and Elder Gods lurk. I want to forget myself, forget all that... by staying home and locking myself in my room, by traveling half way across the country, by getting blind drunk, by putting on some music and turning it up LOUD (favorite music today: albums by the band Tool.)
What comes next? I don't know. I'm hoping that these feelings won't last too much longer. Writing about them does seem to provide some momentary release. At this point, even freedom for a moment seems like a blessing.
on 2008-09-09 at 3:39 p.m.
The Wayback Machine - To Infinity And Beyond