The Internet can be a fascinating place. A friend of mine one described it as being something like a troupe of circus elephants: capable of performing miraculous feats of grace and agility, but also capable of producing monumental piles of excrement.
Within this happy little digital iron lung, I sometimes find myself daydreaming about dispensing my own special kind of advice to the lost and the lovelorn on the Internet, much in the same way that Dr. Laura and Dr. Phil do, but with a radically different spin.
I haven't received any letters yet, but here's the sort of thing I'd try for if given the chance:
Dear Dr. Geek,
I'm having marital problems. I'm convinced that my husband has an identical twin brother that he isn't telling me about. I'm also convinced
that the two brothers take turns spending time with me. One likes to sweetly make love with me while listening to Burt Bacharach, the other prefers exhausting, sweaty, athletic sex while "Master Of Puppets" by Metallica plays full blast on our stereo. One is happy to eat "Hungry Man" frozen TV dinners, the other spends all his time in the kitchen creating gourmet
meals. When I ask him about it, he just smiles warmly and denies
everything. I don't believe him!
I love being with them both and I'm quite happy, but, I've become confused because I don't know who I'm going to be with on a given night. Should I have a leather mini skirt and stilleto heels on when he gets home? Or should be wearing an evening gown? Should I pour Budweiser or Mumm's Cordon Rouge? Should I suggest meeting him at a four star hotel, or in the back seat of a car behind the local biker bar?
Confused in Carlsbad
Have you noticed in any large podded plants growing in the back yard
lately? Have you seen any flashing lights or heard strange noises late at night? Does your husband do work that requires a high level security clearance? I tend to believe that your husband is being abducted and/or cloned by scheming space aliens.
Please make sure to check for strange secretions in the bathroom sink in the morning, and be careful to stay away from areas of the house that your husband makes off limits to you. Above all, I would recommend that you take the time to make careful use of birth control; space alien sex can be great, but the birth of alien/human hybrid children can only lead to serious trouble for everyone.
Dear Dr. Geek,
I'm a 17 year old guy who is having trouble with his love life. I'm a little bit on the nerdy side; I keep in shape (but I'm no jock), I have
glasses, and I always raise my hand when the teacher asks a question. I recently broke up with Cheryl, the student council Treasurer, who I've
known since we were both in grade school. I just started seeing Janet,
the daughter of Ms. Grady, the substitute biology teacher. Janet's great looking, but I think she's just dating me to get me to write her History
term paper. Meanwhile, Cheryl wants me back and has been dressing more like a pop star and flirting with boys at school to get my attention and make me jealous. Janet's mom has also been asking me specific questions about the physical part of my relationship with her daughter. I told her that Janet will only go to third base. She then started hinting that she can give me a few 'lessons' about 'what women like'. She also told me that I look very 'big' for someone my age.
What should I do?
Torn in Torrance
I'm sorry, but the Southern California address on this one is a dead give away. I will NOT assist budding screenwriters as they whip screenplay ideas into shape... at least not without a writing credit! Please contact my agent for more information. I think your story has promise, but needs more depth if it is going to made for anything other than the "direct to video" market.
Dear Dr. Geek,
I think Bob Dylan has been passing me stock tips in his songs lately. I also think that Carlos Santana is giving me coded signals about currency devaluations in his videos as well. I've searched through Brooke Burke's garbage, and I'm convinced she wants to be my sex slave.
With all this advice, I'm set to be a billionaire. I have only one problem: I'm 4'6" tall. What can I do?
Vertically challenged in Vacaville
Dear Vertically Challenged,
Go bald. Cultivate the MiniMe look. Become a cat burglar as a hobby. Wear custom tailored $1000 suits. Steal a nuclear weapon and threaten to detonate it.
Certain types of women drop to the ground and beg for short, bald, well-dressed badboys with nuclear kill capability. I cannot guarantee that this approach will attract Ms. Burke's attention (and I would strongly recommend that you let her discover you, not vice versa), but I do think you will find yourself envied by many men, and share the company of many women.
on 2003-02-26 at 2:00 p.m.
The Wayback Machine - To Infinity And Beyond