The mood of the twelfth of this month was: angry.
I'm not usually an angry person, but on that day things just boiled over and I felt like I wanted to put my hand through a wall -- more than once. The anger was rooted in some frustrations that Mrs. Geek has been having with her job. The anxiety that Mrs. Geek felt and continues to feel has been building over the last couple of years. She loves many aspects of what she does and where she works, but there are some personalities that just do not mesh with hers, including some people in authority. She also relies on me for advice and "advanced tech support" for some problems she can't handle.
On that particular Monday, Mrs. Geek got ambushed with a surprise request for which my help was needed. When I heard about the request and how it was made, I got mad. When I started to help her do the job, and realized that I could complete it too quickly and botch it, my feelings only became more intense. When Mrs. Geek called back and pointed out a related problem that had been festering since last Spring, I became livid. All the frustration, all the heightened tension, other insecurities (about money, about my job -- feelings I have done enough to share with Mrs. Geek) it all linked together and turned to rage.
My first impulse was to reach out... and I couldn't talk to Mrs. Geek about this -- she was busy at work. So, I called my Mom, and chatted with her for about 45 minutes, during the middle of my work day. That got me through the rest of my work day, though the bulk of that day was spent working on the festering problem that Mrs. Geek reported, not on Company O. business.
The anger eventually dissipated... though I didn't sleep well that night or a couple others that week. I didn't let the anger control me to the point that I did anything embarrassing... though there were some repercussions a few days later.
Being angry felt good at that time, in that moment. It's left me with a sort of emotional hangover, if there is such a thing. It's kind of like a flood changing the course of a river -- while I don't feel anger, I know it's been there. It will take time to forget it.
on 2009-01-25 at 2:58 p.m.
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