I recently read the following quote in another diary recently: "Am meeting a friend... for dinner...so had best go dry my hair and put on something disgraceful. He did say 'wear something slinky'. Not sure the poor man is quite ready for what that could entail..." Aside from the casual nonchalance of the phrase "something disgraceful", this passage has been rattling around in my head for the last few days because I cannot help but contrast how I would react to being the "poor man" now versus say, 10 years ago.
I think it ultimately boils down to a recognition of the source of my satisfaction in interacting with the opposite sex. Ten years ago, I largely saw myself as the guy who was always the "friend" to beautiful women, not the "date". This lead to a precarious sense of transparency when I thought of myself in reference to women, and a strong, unfulfilled need to be seen by women in all my facets, including the sexual ones. This phrase would have implied the allure of possibility of sex... and thereby validating a part of my identity that otherwise seemed lacking. It would generate a sense of thrill and tension that would definitely be exciting.
Today, it means something completely different. Being part of a steady, committed relationship, it seems almost superfluous. Yes, getting dressed up for someone is fun, but, it seems superficial compared with the profound connection that occurs when you really care for someone. It is the way relate and react to each other that seems more tangible and important. It is the way you give yourself to someone else in a thousand small ways each day that is the interesting part. I can't say that it wouldn't be fun... because it would... but I look at my interaction with women with different eyes.
On another level, I think the difference in my reaction had to do with knowing what I like when it comes to people and relationships. When I was in my early 20's, a beautiful woman who dressed in a provocative manner represented the unknown, the unattainable, and perhaps (depending on how she was dressed) the slightly kinky. Being inexperienced as I was in the ways of the world, I did not yet know that appearances can often be decieving and unreliable. I also did not yet know what my sexual tastes truly were, and variety in appearance, I felt, corresponded to variety in bed. Knowing more now about who I am and what I like simply means that it is chemistry that is important, not just appearance.
on 2004-03-30 at 12:14 p.m.
The Wayback Machine - To Infinity And Beyond